Do you find you just beat yourself up about things that have accidentally spiralled out of control? or even situations that were beyond your control? Too much time was spent see-sawing between trying to control the situation and trying to let things flow in an effort to surrender, but no, these moments seem to create a monster inside of you, dying to be heard and acknowledged, to be grieved for even.
It's funny how the only time we feel we 'should' be able to grieve about something is after someone has died, and even then, there's a sense of how long is it acceptable?
Well today I am grieving the losses in my life. The loss of the body I used to have, the loss of a relationship I refused to acknowledge was toxic early enough, the loss of the wealth I had and used to able to generate so easily, the loss of motivation and sense of purpose that you are left with when things continually seem to create tumble weed. The loss of confidence that suddenly being overweight brings you. The loss of the children I do not have. The loss of not achieving what I thought my life/dreams would become. The loss of not becoming the woman I thought I was. All these things over the last 20 years that I haven't fully honoured myself for.
Not because I want to wallow in self pity but to acknowledge the loss, but this mercury retrograde has led me to reflect on so many things that I really need to clear so that come Monday's New Moon (in Aries) I can fully embrace moving forward. Which is funny as you would have thought this would come up during the Full Moon. But, we are in the Dark Moon phase which is energetically asking us to go within, and so to is grief represented as a dark moon phase.
Regardless of the loss, symbolic or physical, that death occurred and sometimes it can feel too hard to accept. Even harder when has been buried deep down in your emotions for so long. Then out of nowhere, it hits you, but you've forced yourself to keep going ignoring the fact you are deeply wounded. And you don't know which loss you should be mourning first, which one is calling for your attention the loudest. Because burying them for so long the mesh into one big ball of rope pulling tighter and tighter on your gut, you infinite power and Self-Worth. Because it would be far too messy to open that can of worms now.
But, this is surfacing because there's no escaping anymore. Right now is the time to grieve, to accept, to heal and to love yourself the best way you can. Not working through this will only lead to keeping us stuck, stuck in the past, stuck in the space of restriction and stuck in a story that no longer needs to be.
Hold yourself lovingly, unconditionally. Forgive yourself for the parts of you that you have been rejecting, even when you didn't realise you disapprovingly judged yourself for it. Allow it all to come up, give yourself the space to acknowledge, to grieve. Honour yourself. Make space in your life for the abundance that is yours, by letting go of the hurts, the losses, the disappointments and the judgements.
Bring yourself back to life. Cherish yourself. Be in love with yourself. Be ready to move forward with the New Moon.
