For years I was hiding, from myself as well as everyone else's judgements of who I am and who I should be, especially when it comes to others actually wanting me to be something they find acceptable for them to feel comfortable.
I know I've been the black sheep of our family since like forever, but the older I get the less I want to care about making them feel comfortable.
For years I hid behind this fairy picture on my Facebook page, which I find hilarious now, seeing as I love working with the Elementals, Deities and Angels.
By the time I joined Facebook in around 2007, I was scared of being seen as me. I even hated other people taking pictures of me - I realised no one seemed bothered about how I was seen in their pictures as long as they looked fabulous. As an adult, being rejected seemed to be so much harder to deal with than when I was younger. There seemed to be a constant cycle of people turning their back on me - school friends, uni friends, and then came the corporate cliques that can have you removed from your social circle just with their ridiculous bullshit. That's the moment I started my cycle of putting on weight and then losing it, only to put it back on again 6-7 months later.
I worked hard and did a great job. Yet not realising at the time that I was an empath, and finding it hard to deal with the gossiping and lies that happen in offices, especially open plan offices, I suddenly found comfort in eating. Like I say, I have a love-hate relationship with cooking, but eating food -that relationship has been going strong for years! No one seemed to understand me, so I slowly became an introvert, spending more time on my own than being able to make meaningful connections.
In my head I was still as thin as I had always been, but it wasn't until a group of 'friends' would imply that I was their fat single friend that I started to beat myself up about it - and looking back being 5'10 and between 13-14 stone wasn't really a major issue, I could conceal my belly quite easily. However, it was becoming more and more apparent that I needed to be a certain weight, have a specific image and at least 'dating' to be accepted. Seriously, this one corporate office I was 'told' I should be straightening my hair.
I was tired of being judged for the way I looked or for that fact that I preferred rock concerts than the latest pop or RNB act, or that I preferred to do dinner and movies than getting ****faced on booze after work. In all fairness, I hardly drink alcohol full stop. I don't think I ever fitted in anywhere, even within my own family.
I had this one boyfriend who the second we were out in public, seemed to always walk at least a foot away from me. My last partner, well it was like I didn't exist in his world, but of course he didn't want people to know we were in a 'relationship' he was seeing other women.
I've had members of my family circle, suggest that maybe I upgrade my massage diploma and get a job as a sports masseur, because, it seems that would be far more easier explain what I do, than explaining how amazing I am at what I actually do. Yes I read the Tarot, interpret dreams, psychic art and other really cool stuff, but I'm able to use all of this in the realms of spiritual counselling and coaching!
What's more I know what it's like to have a man, who you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable with, destroy your essence in "his game of life" and I know how much it takes to heal the hurt from the lies and betrayal and re-empower yourself. Which is why, I help women who have gone through similar and toxic relationships. I'm honoured that I help these amazing women find their sparkle, their magic, their inner Goddess, their power.
So for years, I hid my interests, my humour, my thoughts, my skills, and my celebrations because people just don't seem to like seeing me happy or succeeding. But me hiding isn't going to help anyone.
Going back to me hiding behind the flute Fairy, maybe what was actually happening was me thinking I was hiding behind a pretty little picture, was telling people who I really was, but again I was too afraid to be seen as who I am, so the energy was in conflict. but the only way to release myself from that conflict prison, is to step forward and keep helping people in the best way I know how and that's offering my services through Featherock Therapy and standing in my own power - doing what I love!
